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Sunday, July 7, 2013

She knows me so well...

One thing my daughter doesn't lack in all her struggles is intuition. Since she's born, she's known me so well. She eased me into motherhood slowly by being a great baby. She then eased me right into her Autism diagnosis.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I left the couch when necessary and just drifted through my day in zombie mode. I never know what triggers me, but something really triggered me. I haven't had a day like this since March. The sound of anyone's voice were nails on a chalk board and anyone's touch was like rubbing two pieces of sand paper together. (Click here to read more about my bad days)

Except hers. Somehow she just knows. She plopped down on the floor with her toys and her iPad and never left my side. She barely spoke to me or touched me. Even when she wanted the channel changed she just would hand me the remote. I was making her a shake and burst into tears in the kitchen. I feel so guilty I expose her to this, this ugly horrible side of me. But there are days when I just can't snap out of it, no matter how hard I try. I focused on my tears hitting the kitchen counter and cried the most when the blender was on. I watch myself outside of my body when I'm like this. I see this useless girl just sitting there and I want to shake her. "Snap out of it dumbie", I scream. But I can never hear me. How could I be so selfish and do this to my daughter? Why can't I get my act together?

I turned my bad day into a "camp out" in the living room with sleeping bags and tents. She also had all of her meals at the "camp out". Through out my journey of bad days Grace over exceeds my expectations every single time. She jumped on the couch with me and we napped for 3 long hours. Her head was on my chest and I breathed her in the whole time. I traced the outline of her profile with my finger and whispered in her ear like I always do, "Mommy's so sorry Grace, mommy will be better." A promise I can't keep, but I try, I really do try.

 She knows me so well.