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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

A Different Side of Me

Fades, Fading

pretending to be present, smiling, screaming on the inside, forced hugs and kisses, pushing to have patience for her, pushing through my day for her, making our beds, picking up toys, crying in the bathroom, pushing anxieties and fears away, touch is tolerable, breathing, deep breaths, sleeping while she is at school, pushing myself to shower, pushing her to keep a routine, folding laundry, cleaning the bathroom, tingling before numb, ignore most calls, music helps, pushing all I have for her, I'm slipping

..."I'm so tired of being here"...

Black, Dark

gone, detached, staring, watching myself unravel, numb, tired, sleep, do the least necessary for her, no patience, she wrecks the house, I leave it wrecked, numb, sleep, tired, irritated by touch, irritated by sound, leave the toys, screw the beds, screw the laundry, screw the shower, I can't breathe, sleep, bed, meals if we must, all sounds like nails on a chalk board,alone, fustrated, cry for her, guilty because she has to live this too, apologies to her while she sleeps, my tears hit her cheek. I am sorry Grace Mommy will be better.

"...If you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave..."

Light, Brightness

here, present, elated, SO HAPPY, patience, routine, cleaning, organized, HAPPY, loving, hugs and kisses a must, feel everything, living, life, breath comes with ease, HAPPY,make lists, set goals, embrace her, play with her, engage with her, lay with her, brush her hair, bake with her, hold her, watch her sleep, cry, my tears hit her cheek, Mommy is here Grace, Mommy is better, Mommy is HAPPY

the guilt sets in...

..."Your presence just lingers here and won't leave me alone"...

I have been battling these waves of emotions for years. This is the worst it has ever gotten. If you must know or haven't figured it out, I am talking about Bipolar Disorder. It is very real and very hard to talk about. As a mother battling this constant roller coaster I am not only ashamed of this, I also do not want people to know my pain and my struggles or to see my inner hardships. Why should I burden you with that? I hate to admit that I can be this type of mother sometimes. I feel like a monster, a horrible person. But this is who I am, and I fight it as long as my mind, body, and soul can. It is something many people do not talk about. It is something we try to avoid. Because it is raw, unhinged, and very dark. But I wonder how many are you reading this, nodding your head "YES this is me," or "I tend to do this"...

..."you still have all of me"...

this illustrates it all, a song to Bipolar Disorder, from your prisoner


8 comments:

  1. this shouldn't be kept on the DL...this should be placed on the UH.

    It's a very good post, Kelly.

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  2. Thanks to Jim for sharing this on FB. I wouldn't have wanted to miss this powerful post. I'm so glad you were brave enough to share it.

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  3. Grinding through the lows, but we make it through them and use the energy we have to do what we have to do...you don't want to be there, but you stay. You don't believe it, but you are amazing and the best mom she could have.

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  4. This was a great post, and you are amazing for sharing this about yourself.

    I am a devourer of memoirs, and hands-down one of my favorites is "An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness," by Kay Redfield Jamison. She is a psychiatrist who treats (or did anyways, it has been awhile since I read it) people who are Bipolar, and she IS Bipolar. It is an eloquently written masterpiece. If you already know of it, I apologize for my stupidly and arrogantly recommending something you already know of, sincerely. But if you have not heard of it, I think you would find it of immense interest... I think everyone would, to be honest. It is a remarkable read, much like your post <3

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  5. There are special people in this world and then... there is you... beyond one of a kind. I feel blessed, honored and humbled to be able to read and know all your beautiful thoughts, feelings and experiences. Love and blessings to you today and always... no matter come what may... <3

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