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Friday, February 15, 2013

My Weaknesses

What a morning. What a day, What a week. What a month. What a year. What a life. This morning wasn't all that bad, but maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back? I got into an argument with a friend over "going out". I don't even have the energy to shower, let alone go out on a days notice. Is that selfish? Sure. I am very selfish. But for good reasons. I selfishly want to be with my daughter all the time. I selfishly rather hang with people who have kids so she can play with their kids. I selfishly rather stay in on a Saturday night and watch TV. I am selfishly obsessed with my face book fan page and blog. I can probably go on and on.

Right so back to this morning. We have not been sleeping because Grace has trouble. She gets up and down all night or wakes up at 1 am and stays awake until 7 and then does a 2 hour power nap. My days blend. My sanity is writing. So this morning, Ernesto was running around trying to get ready for a grueling 14 hour shift. I was contemplating sending the Boss to school or not. The check engine light was on in the car AGAIN. My dad was calling to take the car to be fixed. Her school was calling. I was trying to email my professor. Ernesto couldn't find his belt. Boss was screaming she wanted mickey mouse pancakes and circle pancakes over and over. I was stepping over the "middle of the night's mess" she made to get around. At one point I was just running around in circles with a whisk, a mixing bowl, and a Sharpee in my hand. Everything dropped and I shut my eyes tight. I felt the walls closing in. I did not want them to see I was losing it. I went into automatic mode. Made pancakes, found his belt, kissed him off to work. I knocked on my brother in laws bedroom door and said, "watch Grace, My Dad is taking my car to be fixed, I have to go pick him up". I brushed my teeth threw on jeans and ran out the door.

When I got into the car my heart was pounding a mile a minute. I could not even see. I put on the radio and fumbled to find my Christian Rock station, the powerful inspirational songs usually do the trick...NOTHING WAS WORKING...I just drove, the GPS said it took 30 minutes to get there. SO on I drove, like a maniac. Listing all the things I hate. I never hate! At this moment I was hating hard. I hate that Ernesto works so many hours. I hate that Grace hits me. I hate autism. I hate we have no where to live. I hate hate hate. Then I got stuck by someone who crashed into a tree. And I was pissed at her. She did not even do anything to me...she held up traffic for about 15 minutes...but really, did I have to waste energy on being pissed at her? OH but I did. I still had my christian music on, as I was waiting behind this "idiot" who needed her car towed.

And there he was my "marker moment". His name is Jason Gray he is a christian rock singer. Get this. He has a speech impediment. As I listened to him do a live interview and struggle to speak and stutter, my shoulders relaxed, and I just listened. He had such a strength in his voice and pulled me right in. He spoke how we need to be open about our weaknesses and turn them into something more. 

“When I’m willing to work out of my weakness, there are more chances for God to show up and for the unexpected to happen,” Jason explains. “My strengths—which are really quite modest—are limited to me, but with my weaknesses the possibilities are boundless.”

When he said that I just cried and cried and cried, I guess it turned into sobbing at that point. I was right there with him hanging onto his every word. His stutter melted away and I did not even hear it, because I heard and felt the power of his words. This beautiful person, enlightened me. All of a sudden I wasn't mad, I was at peace again. 

I want to share my weaknesses with you because I want to be open and freed from them so here it goes...

1. My self esteem is something I struggle with
2. I have one vocal chord and because of this to speak in front of crowds I turn red
3. I have words of wisdom on a key board but face to face it takes me longer to process
4. I let grace write on the wall when I am to tired to deal
5. I sometimes lie about how I really feel to make others feel better
6. I hold things in
7. I have hit Grace on her Butt and hand a handful of times in the millions of times she has hit me
8. I have had a professional tell me I might be bi polar
9. There are days I don't get out of bed or go back in bed
10. I have a selfish all about me side, that scares me and I supress
11. I have been in dark depressions
12. I have sent Grace to school with out her teeth or hair brushed because I couldn't find strength to hold her down
13. I comfort eat
14. I imagine life in other scenarios
15. I save everything until the last minute
16. It is really hard for me to stay organized
17. I have an addictive personality
18. I can be flakey
19. there are days when I let Grace do whatever she wants (I pay for it later)
20. I have been avoiding doctors appointments for 2 year even though I am so suppose to get myself checked ever 3-6 months


That was very hard for me to write and I ask no one to pass judgement on me, and just be open to the fact that we all have weaknesses and maybe think about your own. I am so thankful this man, Jason Gray, came onto to the radio today and snapped me out of my fog of anxiety and confusion.

"I wanna live like there's no tomorrow. Love like I'm on borrowed time. It's good to be alive. I won’t take it for granted. I won’t waste another second. All I want is to give a life well lived to say, “Thank You.”'








13 comments:

  1. it's hard to admit to weaknesses, but it IS freeing to have it out in the open...right? Like you don't have to pretend anymore?

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  2. 1) I can be very stubborn.
    2) I dislike being told what to do.
    3)There is so much of this world I have not yet experienced.
    4) I stay up hours on end trying to make sense of it all.
    5) I find it difficult sometimes to grasp certain tasks....math equations and reading.
    6) I procast......
    I have to look at a menu even when I know it word for word.....
    7) I text and drive. (I know....)
    8) I dont want to put the rest down ....

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  3. Hugs, my weaknesses are too hard to express at this time but you aren't alone. And you are brave

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  4. I love this. Don't we all have weaknesses? But don't we all have strengths we don't give ourselves credit for? I think you do for sure. I'm a NJ autism momma too, and I have some of the same weaknesses. And some different ones. Keep on fighting the fight!!

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  5. I have built a protective wall and hide behind it, sometimes not leaving my home for days on end. I have given up on seeking a partner; my baggage is too great and I cannot imagine anyone wanting to help me carry it, let alone unpack. I sometimes resent my adult Aspie son and am embarrassed by him and his Aspie gf. I feel I have ruined my sons' lives. I don't see a light at the end of my tunnel. I am addicted to diet pepsi. I put on a happy face so no one knows these things about me.

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  6. 1. I have bipolar disorder and have to change meds every 3 months because I stay so stressed out
    2. Part of me still feels guilty that my son has autism even though I know it's not my fault
    3. I am a terrible wife because I'm burned out over my husband's 3+ years of illness and can't feel anything anymore.
    4. If I ever stop moving, I don't think I will get started again.
    5. My sons get on my nerves on a regular basis.
    6. I am overstimulated just as easily as my son is.
    7. I curse way too much.
    8. I am a Christian, but get mad at God for being in this high stress situation with a chronically ill husband and a child on the spectrum.
    9. When my husband says he wants to give up, sometimes I wish he would to get us all out of our misery, but I know that will never happen because he thrives on making me miserable.
    10. Sometimes I want to run away from home or check into a hotel instead of coming home after work.
    11. I wish I could be admitted to a psych ward so I could get a break from the stress.
    12. Some days I just don't feel like being a mom, even though I love my kids with every fiber of my being.
    13. I am resentful towards my husband for his getting to sleep late every day, for his constant excuses, for his trying all day every day to make me feel sorry for him, and for no longer being the man I fell in love with.
    14. I am 90lbs overweight because of my damn meds and the fact that I eat for comfort. I hate my body and I hate myself, but put on a happy face and use sarcasm to get through it.
    15. I feel like I suck as a mother but I just don't have the energy to be any different

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  7. Ok I'm crying. Can relate in too many ways. Love your courage to be honest. It's inspiring.

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  8. Do you have a Facebook page for your blog?

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  9. Kelly you are very brave, and have so many people who love you and support you. Please know that you are not alone.
    Here goes... Just a few of mine.

    1. I have no self control
    2. I am very stubborn, and HATE being told what to do
    3. I hold everything in
    4. I have anger issues
    5. I think I know it all
    6. I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong
    7. I have no patients
    8. I love to much

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  10. <3 love to you all you are all so brave xoxoxoxo

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  11. WoW!!! I am just impressed you still made the pancakes! my 3 year old ASD kiddo 'demands' Mickey Mouse pancakes on a regular basis. In Fact, I always make a double batch so I can freeze some for school days. Sometimes that can postpone a meltdown.

    My weaknesses....I have a lot as well. Too many and some not even able to put out for the world. But you are not alone!

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