Right so back to this morning. We have not been sleeping because Grace has trouble. She gets up and down all night or wakes up at 1 am and stays awake until 7 and then does a 2 hour power nap. My days blend. My sanity is writing. So this morning, Ernesto was running around trying to get ready for a grueling 14 hour shift. I was contemplating sending the Boss to school or not. The check engine light was on in the car AGAIN. My dad was calling to take the car to be fixed. Her school was calling. I was trying to email my professor. Ernesto couldn't find his belt. Boss was screaming she wanted mickey mouse pancakes and circle pancakes over and over. I was stepping over the "middle of the night's mess" she made to get around. At one point I was just running around in circles with a whisk, a mixing bowl, and a Sharpee in my hand. Everything dropped and I shut my eyes tight. I felt the walls closing in. I did not want them to see I was losing it. I went into automatic mode. Made pancakes, found his belt, kissed him off to work. I knocked on my brother in laws bedroom door and said, "watch Grace, My Dad is taking my car to be fixed, I have to go pick him up". I brushed my teeth threw on jeans and ran out the door.
When I got into the car my heart was pounding a mile a minute. I could not even see. I put on the radio and fumbled to find my Christian Rock station, the powerful inspirational songs usually do the trick...NOTHING WAS WORKING...I just drove, the GPS said it took 30 minutes to get there. SO on I drove, like a maniac. Listing all the things I hate. I never hate! At this moment I was hating hard. I hate that Ernesto works so many hours. I hate that Grace hits me. I hate autism. I hate we have no where to live. I hate hate hate. Then I got stuck by someone who crashed into a tree. And I was pissed at her. She did not even do anything to me...she held up traffic for about 15 minutes...but really, did I have to waste energy on being pissed at her? OH but I did. I still had my christian music on, as I was waiting behind this "idiot" who needed her car towed.
And there he was my "marker moment". His name is Jason Gray he is a christian rock singer. Get this. He has a speech impediment. As I listened to him do a live interview and struggle to speak and stutter, my shoulders relaxed, and I just listened. He had such a strength in his voice and pulled me right in. He spoke how we need to be open about our weaknesses and turn them into something more.
“When I’m willing to work out of my weakness, there are more chances for God to show up and for the unexpected to happen,” Jason explains. “My strengths—which are really quite modest—are limited to me, but with my weaknesses the possibilities are boundless.”
When he said that I just cried and cried and cried, I guess it turned into sobbing at that point. I was right there with him hanging onto his every word. His stutter melted away and I did not even hear it, because I heard and felt the power of his words. This beautiful person, enlightened me. All of a sudden I wasn't mad, I was at peace again.
I want to share my weaknesses with you because I want to be open and freed from them so here it goes...
1. My self esteem is something I struggle with
2. I have one vocal chord and because of this to speak in front of crowds I turn red
3. I have words of wisdom on a key board but face to face it takes me longer to process
4. I let grace write on the wall when I am to tired to deal
5. I sometimes lie about how I really feel to make others feel better
6. I hold things in
7. I have hit Grace on her Butt and hand a handful of times in the millions of times she has hit me
8. I have had a professional tell me I might be bi polar
9. There are days I don't get out of bed or go back in bed
10. I have a selfish all about me side, that scares me and I supress
11. I have been in dark depressions
12. I have sent Grace to school with out her teeth or hair brushed because I couldn't find strength to hold her down
13. I comfort eat
14. I imagine life in other scenarios
15. I save everything until the last minute
16. It is really hard for me to stay organized
17. I have an addictive personality
18. I can be flakey
19. there are days when I let Grace do whatever she wants (I pay for it later)
20. I have been avoiding doctors appointments for 2 year even though I am so suppose to get myself checked ever 3-6 months
That was very hard for me to write and I ask no one to pass judgement on me, and just be open to the fact that we all have weaknesses and maybe think about your own. I am so thankful this man, Jason Gray, came onto to the radio today and snapped me out of my fog of anxiety and confusion.
"I wanna live like there's no tomorrow. Love like I'm on borrowed time. It's good to be alive. I won’t take it for granted. I won’t waste another second. All I want is to give a life well lived to say, “Thank You.”'