Monday, January 21, 2013

Candy Land

Candy Land. Who didn't love playing Candy Land? It's the starter board game. One of my great memories as a kid was board games with my parents. It was one of the few times it was just them and me, and we were so carefree. I was always the top hat, my dad the race car, and my mom the thimble in the famous game of Monopoly.

Between The Boss Lady's obsessions and difficulty transitioning and taking turns board games are on the back burner. She is going to be 5 in a few weeks. I figured it was time to attempt Candy Land for the 30th time. In the morning I spotted the box. We have 2 Candy Lands, one is destroyed because she loves to cut and color the cards and do God knows what with the ginger bread pieces. I had a plan that we would eat breakfast and then maybe start talking about it. She did not want breakfast, so I gave her a shake and she drank it in bed.

"Mommy I want to plway angry biwrds on my IPAD" I gave her IPAD. I sat next to her and tried to interact but she wanted no part of me. I am never this sensitive and understand she needs her space. But I began to cry, and as I cried she scripted Angry Birds and did not take notice to me feeling sadness, which made me cry more. I went into the kitchen and tried to snap out of it. I heard Ninja Turtles come on the Ipad. I am embarrassed to say I pretty much let her stay on the Ipad until lunch.

Lunch time came. I was trying to muster up some energy to talk about the stupid board game that had taken up half my day already. But I didn't. After lunch she ran to her desk and did her cut coloring and pasting routine. I surfed the internet and watched some TV. I could not understand why on this particular day I was so upset about her not wanting to interact with me on the level I long for her to be on. It has been like this forever. The whole day I just became angrier and angrier.

It has been a whole process for me. The steps of emotions. I guess like a grieving process. Maybe I am up to anger? I am just so angry that I can't play barbies, doll house, or candy land with my 5 year old. How, if I introduce a board game the pieces end up flying every where. I am angry every time I need to go somewhere where everyone else has 1 step we have an added 10-20, to complete that 1 step. I am angry that my daughter does not care if her hair is brushed or if she is wearing a dress or a potato sack. I am angry my 5 year old wears a harness on the bus. I am angry that when I cry next to her she doesn't understand to notice. I am angry that at 5 years old she has all of these demands put on her each day at school. I am angry my daughter punches, hits, and scratches me. I am angry that my daughter is angry a good part of her day! When I see Moms with their daughters, I become so jealous. Don't get me wrong, Grace has come a long way, but I still can not help the way I feel.

The rest of the day I kind of just drifted through and detached. I hate when I do this, because I feel like The Boss is getting the crappy end of the deal. It is not her fault. It is stupid ASD. Today while straightening up I kicked the Candy Land Box as hard as I could, I then put it in the garbage. This may seem childish to you, but in a way it helped me free myself. I felt liberated from that anger that swallowed me up the day before. And now I am sitting next to my Boss Lady and watching her script color, cut, and paste.

“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” 
― Maya Angelou

Check out the NT MOM she has a super kid and 2 more <3 she coined the idea of us parents doing 20 steps for every 1 step everyone else does <3pieceloveautism<3

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