Fruitful and Multiply?

My whole life, no matter what our financial status, I wanted a big family. When The Boss Lady was an infant I was already planning the next pregnancy in my head. It was all mapped out, after she was potty trained we would discuss trying for more. Then we had the birth of Autism Spectrum Disorder and my mind set changed on having more children.

Every 28 to 30 days I grieve a loss of what could of been. Every 6 months Super Daddy and I have the discussion of pros and cons to adding more little ones to our family. Every year when a friend tells me she is pregnant my first emotion is jealousy and envy, quickly followed by excitement of course. At first I was ashamed of this, to admit to myself that I felt this way towards my good friends. Then I thought, it's natural and there has to be parents in my position who feel the same way. I think being honest with myself is most helpful when sorting out my emotions, especially the horrible ones.

How can I bring another child into the world where studies have shown if the first child has ASD there is a 1/4 chance the second one will be on the spectrum. I am not strong enough to handle that. I absolutely admire and commened parents that have more children. 

I long for another tiny little bundle of joy. The smell of baby lotion and new born pampers haunt me. The sound of their first coo and goo, the subtle creek of the baby swing, their precious little breaths as they sleep replay in my mind. The feedings, tummy time, swaddling, the nursery are a distant far away desire.  And then the questions come rolling in my mind.

Will it be fair to either of them?

What if the baby has any disabilities?

What if the baby is typical? Do I know how to be a parent to a typical child? 

What if I have another baby and Boss Lady goes into a full fledged aggressive meltdown, How will I protect the baby? 

Will a new baby help Boss Lady mature? 

Will a new baby make our family feel complete? 

Will the Boss Lady regress?

Will the new baby resent Grace?

What if the Baby has ASD and is aggressive like the Boss Lady?

Will me and Super Daddy drift and ruin our relationship by adding another Baby into the equation?

If I continue to wait, as I get older will the risk of the baby having ASD increase?

If its in my genes then the baby will definitely have ASD, right?

Do I want my family to grow for all the wrong reasons?

My mind races with all of these questions and then I burst into tears. It is so overwhelming! Family planning should not be this hard?!

There are times where I just want to take the risk and let it ride. Then I remember The Boss Lady has come so far and she has worked so hard to be where she is at. But, she is still at a point in her life where she needs my 1 on 1 attention. Because of her sensory processing there are nights when I rock her to sleep for an hour. Her self direction has me prompting her every 5 minutes to eat and finish her meals. Then there is the long process of: Getting ready for school. Getting ready for bed. On the good days, I convince myself, we can definitely have another baby. 

No one ever talks about this, either. It is a very isolating feeling. People with typical children do not know what to say and want to avoid making you feel bad. Parents with atypical kids already have more kids or are in the same position as we are, and its too painful or embarrassing to talk about. Some may even feel guilt that I sometimes feel but push their emotions away.  

I know none of my questions will be answered until or if I have another child. It all boils down to the fear of the unknown, and that is the worst fear, not knowing what will be.

The bible states God wants us all to be "fruitful and multiply".

...if only if it were that easy God...