"Sunshine you are my sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray..."
"Mommee sing again pwease in the wegular voice no qwiet voice pwease"
I sang it in a regular voice and the boss was out. What a long day. We went to a new neurologist today. The Boss is going to be 5. Super Daddy and I always knew that down the line we would be faced with the big decision of medication. We agreed when she was almost 2, we will wait until 5 to talk about it. She is going to 5 in a few weeks and I am no where near talking about it.
The neurologist was amazing. I have met my fair share of neurologists between my childhood with Billy and Grace's adventure. A good one is very hard to come by, in my opinion. But this guy was on the money. When he entered the room he quickly hushed me and wanted to get to know her before he heard anything I had to say. Which I loved. so there was no biased opinion formed. He played with her and examined her. He had such a way with her, such efficiency.
Neuro appointments are so hard because this is the doctor where you talk mostly about the negatives, the child's down falls, the child's delays. It is scary that after a while it becomes so natural to say and list what your child can't do. And how saying "she is extremely aggressive and violent" can just roll off your tongue. Luckily Boss Lady was herself, so he got to see the true Boss.
When he examined her he touched upon her having a delayed reflex and very low muscle tone in her arms, hands, and trunk. I have stopped telling physicians this because it is always attributed to her ASD and her Sensory Processing Disorder.(so I gave up being heard in that department) But he had little concern and suggested looking into it. I felt validated which was awesome as a autism mommy. After his full examination we talked. A two way conversation with a neurologists, something I never experienced before.
He spoke about her being highly intelligent, but we can only get a small glimpse of that because she is so impulsive and can't focus. He thinks she is scoring lower cognitively because she has so much other transactions going on in her mind. He told me he wanted to run every blood test to rule everything out. Everything he said made so much sense. Then he said "Have you thought about medication?"
My heart stopped. It was time. He then went on about how school demands and curriculum will get harder and as he spoke my memory rewound all the way back to the beginning, it was Super Daddy and me at our kitchen table saying "Let's try everything first and we will use medicine as a last resort" In saying that sentence I really believed we would never get here, because I was convinced something else was going to work. I snapped back into the conversation as I was blindly nodding along. Just in time because he was asking me, What do you think? My heart said I agreed but I am very scared. My educated mind thought about side effects, chemicals in her body, the rate of adults who are drug dependent because they were on meds as a child, every statistic raced through my mind. He saw I was very uncomfortable and backed off, which was a good judge of character. "Ok let us come back to this in 2 months", he said. He wrote me a prescription for the extensive blood work and we were on our way.
So here I am 2 days later still not ready to talk about this. I have showered Grace with gifts from target out of guilt and let her color on the wall and eat a bowl of raman (she is gluten free). Last night I punched out of Mom duties and it was a free for all after 7 pm. I need to face reality and make a decision. The honest truth is we have tried everything under the sun and even the moon. Nothing has worked. Yes many of the things I have modified in her life has made behaviors improve. I fear medicine will change who she is, having her be dependent on a chemical substance that is suppose to fix her because she is broken. If I give her meds am I admitting she is broken? Just the idea of the pill pulls a lot of feelings and emotions to the surface. How did we get here? Should we have done something different? I just can not believe we are really down to the last resort.
"...you'll never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away"