Saturday, January 12, 2013

Failure is not Fatal

Falling short. This is something I battle with on a regular basis. In our journey we come so far and we fall short on many things. As many of you read on my page I was weighing out pros and cons on administering Boss Lady with the flu shot. I do not have to get into why or what made me end up getting her the flu shot, but I DID. I went with my gut instinct and somehow I let the media get into my head. It has been reported 20 children and counting died from the flu this year, and if you live in a community hit hard from the Hurricane you should really consider it. That combined with her horrible asthma, I was sold on the idea. As a mother there have been many occasions where I went with my GUT and it was the wrong answer.

I was apprehensive about even writing about this because of how people may perceive my choice whether good or bad and people saying in their heads "I told you so." I am in my own head "I told you so".

Yesterday, the school nurse called, when I saw the caller ID I knew instantly there was some reaction to the Flu vaccine. Here we go, I said to myself as I answered the phone. "She has a 102 fever, you have to come and get her...." I did not hear the rest as to my mind was racing and the guilt of harming my baby fell on my shoulders and my chest. I hung up the phone and ran to the car. I quickly called Super Daddy in tears. I KNEW IT I SCREAMED WHY DID I DO THIS TO HER THIS IS ALL MY FUCKING FAULT IM SUCH AN ASSHOLE IM SORRY ERNESTO IM SO SORRY! Thank God for Super Daddy he has a way of reassuring me and making me calm down and feel better, "You did what you thought was right amor, I love you, its ok, please stop crying, I love you, you did nothing wrong, call me when you get Grace"

I got to the school in a panic, I saw my girl so out of it unable to even fight not wanting to go home, She was scripting away, Monsters Inc. She felt so warm and looked so sick, and fell into my arms, melting into me. The psychologist walked us to the car. The whole way home I must of looked in the back seat 300 times. "Howld my hand mommy" she whispered from the back seat. I held her hand the whole way home as I drove. When we got home she was in that fever induced sleep. I carried her and put her to bed and just watched her. She got up periodically to drink juice. She did not speak for a few hours and with ASD and The Boss when there are no words, It is the scariest thing! Later in the night she got up for an hour started talking again, and ate a whole bowl of soup.

I stayed by her side the whole night waking up to check her temperature, put a cool rag, and give her some juice and motrin. Her fever is higher than it was yesterday and she has been vomiting. She has been in and out of sleep and wakes up for juice and some YouTube. I have not left her side the whole day. 

Was it wrong to give her the flu shot? Maybe? Was she already getting sick? How would I know she never can tell me she is not feeling well? Is this a reaction to the vaccine? Possibly. Would she have gotten the Flu worse than this reaction if I didn't do it? I don't know?

As super parents nothing is mapped out. We navigate this journey on our own. A new therapy comes out and you hear about it, and a little voice in you says "this is going to make it all better", but then the bigger voice brings you back to reality and says, "come on no it's not". But you still want to try everything and sometimes when you do try things it can bring harm or regression. When this happens the guilt is sometimes unbearable. It is a constant game of roulette and trial and error. But at least you tried right? I hate feeling through this whole process that many things are my fault. I wish I can free myself from this feeling. But as I sit here watching my poor lil Boss with a 103 and so sick looking, how can I tell myself this was not my fault. It is my job to protect her and make sure she gets everything she needs, and I failed her. This is not the first time I failed her and won't be the last. There are days where I go to the extent of blaming myself for her ASD, as I am sure many super parents do.

I was hiding this from everyone because I know I may have made a mistake. I felt ashamed. We all make mistakes. I should not worry about what people think, because I know I love my Boss Lady and would never do anything intentionally to harm her. So in times when we fall short in an adventure we learn and move to the next adventure.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts"

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